


When it's good, it's really good, and when it's bad, I go to pieces

by KatyaZel



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Anxiety, Delusions, Depressed Remus Lupin, Depression, Fights, First War with Voldemort, Fluff and Angst, Insomnia, M/M, Mania, Manic Sirius Black, Mental Health Issues, References to David Bowie, sharing a flat, wolfstar, young wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-27
Updated: 2019-05-27
Packaged: 2020-03-20 01:56:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18982846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatyaZel/pseuds/KatyaZel
Summary: Their best moments and their worst are magnified by how precisely and deeply Sirius and Remus know each other. Four scenes from their flat in London illustrating the good and the bad: one big fight; Sirius coaxing Remus out of his mind; Remus reigning in Sirius's mind; the two of them on a long, late-night walk. All set somewhere between 1979 and 1981





	When it's good, it's really good, and when it's bad, I go to pieces

 

Sirius felt himself grin even as his mind wailed. He had read about electrons in one of Remus’s books on muggle science, little buggers in perpetual, frantic motion. He felt as though his whole body was nothing but electrons, just then. His smile burnt a hole in the sidewalk as he approached the flat. He was dangerous today and he knew it.

He found himself inside, without realizing he’d climbed the stairs or opened the door, and he was staring at Remus. Who was putting on his shoes and smiled. Tight-lipped and wary. “Hey,” he said shortly. Sirius just continued to stare. Remus raised his eyebrows at Sirius’s silence and asked, “All right, there?”

Well. Hard to answer. “Where are you off to?” He finally moved out of the doorway, shouldering past Remus. Something was very wrong. Something. Whether inside his head or outside.

Remus, in that practiced calm of his, replied. “Drinks, with Marlene and Alice. You could come if you wanted,” he added.

Sirius looked down at his feet. “I’ll stay. When you get back...we should talk.”

Remus stopped in the middle of tugging his laces tied. “It sounds like we should talk now, maybe. Should we talk now?”

Sirius wished he wouldn’t do that, sometimes--the way he was so bloody  _ reasonable  _ all the time. Even when he was wrong. “I wouldn’t want to get in the way of drinks with Marlene and Alice, of course, you should just go, I’ll still be here later.” Probably. Unless his feet got that itch or a voice snuck in too loudly to be ignored. 

Remus was annoyed tonight. Annoyed or anxious; the two were seldom distinguishable in Remus. Sirius didn’t have the capacity to suss out which it was tonight as Remus sighed and tapped his fingers restlessly on his leg. “They’ll be fine. Just tell me.” 

His tone infuriated Sirius, who threw himself violently onto his chair. “Fine, fine, Jesus. I got a letter.”

Remus had no patience for the pause Sirius followed that sentence with. He couldn’t tell, clearly, that the pause was necessary. “So you got a letter. Should I go now?” 

“Let me gather my bloody thoughts, will you? You’re in some kind of fucking mood today, aren’t you.” He ignored Remus’s snort. “I got a letter. From Regulus.”

That at least got Remus’s attention. “You did?” He came to sit on the edge of the sofa, leaning forward while Sirius slumped in his chair. “What did it say? Did you tell Dumbledore? Can I see it?”

Sirius was disintegrating.  _ “No.  _ No. He--he wants to see me.”

Remus let out a sharp laugh. “Like hell he wants to see you. How thick does he think we are? God. Well, was there anything useful in the letter?”

“You don’t  _ get  _ it, Remus--it’s not-- _ he’s  _ not--” Sirius jumped up and began to pace. He wanted to punch something. “Of course there wasn’t anything  _ useful,  _ he’s too smart. That’s not the point. Reg wants to see me.”

Remus raised his eyebrows, disbelief flooding his face. “You’re not  _ considering _ it? Sirius, don’t be an idiot. You know what would happen if you met up with him. You can’t. How were you even thinking about it? You need to tell Dumbledore.”

“Fuck that. You think I’ll let Dumbledore set a trap for my little brother?”

Why was Remus so bloody calm? Sirius wanted to hit him as he shook his head slowly, mouth twisting slightly. “Of course. Black family loyalty. How could I forget that? Blood will out, I guess. He’s a deatheater, Sirius. Be realistic. This isn’t your kid brother anymore.”

Sirius wanted to break something. He did. Remus jumped as ceramic flew everywhere and Sirius stared at where a teapot stood seconds ago. “My father died,” he said without feeling as he took out his wand to repair the pot. “My father died. Regulus wants to see me.”

Remus allowed the silence to settle. Finally, when Sirius had collapsed back into his chair, he spoke again, quieter. “I know you miss him, Pads, but you can’t. He made his choice. You’re clearly not in the best state to make decisions right now but I’m sure you’ll see it in the morning.”

Sirius bristled and stood again, restless. He had been itching for a fight, and he wasn’t ready for it to fizzle out. “And what do you mean, not in the best state? What do you know?”

Remus sighed. “You’re just not--all there tonight. You must know it.”

“You think I’m mad just because I want to see my brother? Of course  _ you _ think that.” He tried to infuse as much derision into this last sentence as possible.

And Remus took the bait, slightly irritated now. “What does that mean?”

There was a morbid satisfaction that came from such certain self-destruction as he was now engaging in. However this fight ended, he knew he would not be falling asleep next to Remus tonight. He schooled his features into an expression of haughty contempt learned from earliest childhood as he replied. “You haven’t a clue what it’s like to care about someone like this. You don’t know a thing about love, not really, not even after all this time.”

Remus grew indignant and stood. He strode over to Sirius, who was now leaning against the wall. “What are you  _ talking  _ about? Just because I don’t have a brother--”

“Oh, I wouldn’t blame it on being an only child, though maybe that doesn’t help, either. No, it’s worse than that, far worse, you just don’t feel a bloody thing, do you? If you didn’t fuck me I wouldn’t know you gave a damn about me and I’m still not sure sometimes. When’s the last time you opened your bloody mouth and said something you felt, huh?”

Remus inhaled deeply, clinging on to restraint. “You’re being ridiculous. You know you are, too. You know me better than that, you know how I am.” He started to turn away; Sirius wanted so much to shatter that facade.

And so, knowing as he did that he shouldn’t, he railed on. “I guess it’s not your fault, really, is it? For missing out on something so  _ human.”  _ Remus froze. “My brother wants to see me and you just--assume the worst. Is it hard for someone  _ like you  _ to imagine anything else? To even  _ conceive  _ that maybe two brothers love each other? Were you always so inhuman or only after Fenri--”

Remus snapped. He grabbed Sirius’s arm and shoved him. “Fuck. You,” he hissed. “You want to lecture  _ me  _ about not knowing what  _ love  _ is?” Sirius started to laugh uncontrollably and humorlessly, sharp gasps for breath as Remus loomed over him. “You-- _ and  _ Regulus--you learned everything you know about love from Walburga Black and from the father you can’t even grieve for.  _ I’m  _ the one whose inhuman? You can’t even get out from their shadow and you never fucking will. Regulus doesn’t give a damn about you, if he ever did, and now he has become your manipulative, unfeeling father.. And if you listened to yourself for two seconds tonight you would hear your vindictive, loveless mother because you are turning into her.” 

They stared at each other, rage in both their eyes. Remus was breathing heavily, his fingers still like iron around Sirius’s arm. Finally, Sirius spoke in as caustic a voice as he could muster, this close to tears. “Marlene and Alice will be waiting for you. Don’t want to keep them.”

Remus abruptly let go of his arm and promptly disapparated. 

Sirius sobbed. He couldn’t remember exactly why he had wanted a fight. But he had gotten one and it had left him raw. Picking at a scab never makes it heal but Sirius could never resist the sickening sensation of it.

***

Sirius hummed to himself as he bounded down the road. After an unremarkable but rather pleasant day at work, he’d stopped into the pub with James, Frank, and Alice. The slight buzz he was enjoying might have been just as much a result of their company as of what little he had to drink, but whatever the cause, he was in a decidedly good mood.

He had stopped in at Agatha’s sandwich shop on the corner and grabbed some takeaway. “Anything on for the evening, love? Big Friday night?” Agatha had asked.

Sirius had bounced on his heels as he waited for his food, knowing that a grin was overtaking his face. “Not tonight, just staying in I reckon. Hoping to beat Remus home, maybe set this all up for him.” 

She had smiled, shook her head, checked her watch. “You’d best be on your way, then, it’s gone 7. Go on, then,” and she had handed him his food.

Now, nearly home, Sirius had to keep himself from running the last block. He took the stairs up to the flat two at a time. There was nothing particularly remarkable about today, but it was one of those late August nights that reminds you why you’ll miss summer, and Sirius would take his good moods where he could get them.

He swung the door open--Remus must have forgotten to lock it--and flitted towards the kitchen to set the table, lay out the food, pour some wine. Hell, he thought, maybe even some candles. Why not? Unsure exactly where to look, he pulled out his wand. “ _ Accio Candles?”  _ A pair flew out of a drawer in the kitchen, and he lit them, feeling rather pleased with himself.

Sirius looked at his watch. Remus’s shift had finished at 7, and it was now half past; he  ought to be home by now. The smallest knot of worry formed. He knew Remus could take care of himself, but the way things were going...well. 

He began to pace the flat. Of  _ course  _ Remus was not dueling seven death eaters, but the image wouldn’t leave him alone. He tugged on his tie and stepped into the bedroom to toss it in the closet, but he stopped in his tracks. “Hello, there,” he said, mildly surprised.

Remus, lying on his side under a thin blanket and staring at the wall, didn’t so much smile as suggest that smiling was possible. “Hi.”

Sirius sat on the edge of the bed and played absently with Remus’s hair. He studied his face and recognized that Remus was far, far inside his own mind. Quietly, he asked, “Did you go to work today?”

Remus squeezed his eyes shut. “No. I just...couldn’t.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. I have no idea.” He reached out for one of Sirius’s hands and gripped it tightly. “Nothing is wrong. Nothing is wrong. I don’t know.” Sirius said nothing, waiting for Remus to give speech to what was tearing at him. He continued, “You left this morning, and I was alone. And I got so scared. I’m so scared. I don’t know why, or of what, but I couldn’t leave this bloody room because I was  _ terrified.  _ This is the only place I’m safe and I don’t even feel safe here. And I spent seven fucking hours lying here. What the  _ fuck,  _ Sirius.” His voice had grown desperate, maybe angry. “Why can’t I just be okay? There was nothing wrong with today, nothing happened, there was no reason for me to fall apart. Now I’ll get fired, probably, and I won’t be able to find a new job because no one would hire me. And you’ll go to work and fight dark wizards while I sit in this flat, until you get sick of it--”

_ “Moony.”  _ Sirius interrupted him, finally. Getting Remus to speak his anxieties was a fine art, one Sirius had nearly perfected. By putting him at ease you could get him to begin, but it was always important to recognize when it stopped being helpful. And at that point, Sirius would say his piece. “Moony, look at me.” Remus obliged. “You won’t get fired. And if you did, you would find a new job. And if you couldn’t, make no mistake about this: I would  _ not  _ get sick of it. I could never get sick of you. I’m not sure I’ve told you today how very in love with you I am, but it’s absurd, really.” Remus smiled a little, and Sirius squeezed his hand. “Days like today happen. There doesn’t have to be anything remarkable about them, they just sneak up on you, sometimes. Just acknowledge it for what it is, and then say goodbye to it.” Sirius brought Remus’s hand to his lips and kissed his knuckles. “I’m sorry this happened today, I’m sorry I wasn’t here. Is there anything we can do that will make you feel better?”

Remus closed his eyes. “You’re here. That’s already better. Though...maybe we can get something to eat.”

Sirius grinned. “Way ahead of you.”

***

The sun was barely peeking into the room as Remus slowly awoke. He stretched out and rolled over, and found to his surprise that Sirius was already out of bed. Checking the clock, he saw it was not yet 7. He rubbed his eyes and sat up, glancing around the room as though Sirius might materialize. He did not.

Remus yawned and wandered out to the main room, his bare feet protesting at the cold carpetless floor. In the quiet of the early morning, their flat seemed reflective and earnest, if a flat could be so characterized. He checked the coat rack and saw that Sirius’s jacket was missing; looking down, he saw that his boots were gone, too.

It was not unusual for Sirius to leave the flat very early or stay out quite late, so Remus, irreversibly awake now, went to the kitchen to start a kettle of tea. As he gazed out the window above the sink, a small bird flitted erratically from windowsill to windowsill. The phone rang just as the water started to boil.

Remus answered. “Hello?”

“Hi, love, it’s Agatha,” came the tired voice on the other end.

Remus was surprised. “Agatha, good morning. Can I help you?” Though he and Sirius frequented Agatha’s sandwich shop, they were not, he thought, on such close terms as to call one another at seven in the morning.

“I thought you should know. I’ve just seen Sirius and he seemed right odd. I’m not sure exactly what to say about it, but he ran into the shop like a madman and was talking some sort of nonsense, something about a ghost, I think. Really, it was impossible to understand even the words he was saying, he was talking so fast.” Her voice held some concern, some contempt, and not a little curiosity.

Remus sighed. “Thank you for calling. Do you know where he went?”

“Can’t say for sure, but it looked like he was at least walking in the direction of your flat. May have stopped to talk to Hank.”

“Thank you.” Remus absently hung up the phone. His heart had constricted a little at Agatha’s description, but he knew he just had to find Sirius and get him home, and he could talk him down. He grabbed his overcoat and his wand; making sure no one was around, he placed his wand on his palm and whispered,  _ “Inveniento Sirius.”  _ The wand turned until it was pointing directly across the street.

He crossed the street hurriedly, hands shoved deep in his pockets. As he approached their neighbor Hank’s building, he heard familiar, breathless laughter from the alley, and so he turned that way instead and found Sirius crouched against a brick wall, head tilted back and eyes burning up towards the sky. His smile and laugh were distinctly not right in a way Remus knew all too well. 

“Good morning,” he said evenly, slowing to a stop about three meters away. “You’re up and about early.”

Sirius’s head snapped towards Remus and his eyes widened as his grin faded. “What are you doing here? You aren’t meant to be awake, or here. You aren’t meant to be awake. What are you doing here?” He stood, making as though to back away.

Remus took a half step backwards and leaned casually against the wall opposite Sirius. “I woke up and you weren’t in bed. I missed you, and so I thought I’d try and find you.” It was crucial to keep his distance, but he  _ wanted  _ to run up to Sirius and wrap his arms tightly around the other man. “And I found you, just like that. Would you like to come back to the flat? We could eat some breakfast, go back to bed, anything.”

Sirius’s head was shaking too fast. “No, no, thank you, no. I need to...I can’t. What are you doing here, anway?” Sirius seemed dangerously close to bolting. “I need to go, I think.”

Remus nodded slowly. “Can I come with you?”

Sirius’s eyes darted back and forth. “I think...you’d better not.”

“Why?” Remus’s only trick was to be as calm as he could possibly be, however he felt on the inside.

“Why? You’re not--wait. You--” Sirius put a hand on his head and began to slide down the wall to crouch once more. “Shut  _ up.  _ Remus? Shut up.” As Sirius lowered to sit, seeming to settle against the wall, Remus finally approached him, sitting next to but a half meter away from him. Sirius continued, speaking very quickly, almost unintelligible. “I never fell asleep and I don’t think that’s a problem but when it was very late and you were asleep--Remus? That’s you? Yes. You were asleep and I was trying but I kept thinking instead of sleeping and I don’t know exactly how but I ended up out here. First I ended up out somewhere else. But he was trying to ask me something and I couldn’t tell what it was, though I think it must have been very important. Right? Remus? You’re there?”

Remus reached a hand out to rest it lightly on Sirius’s shoulder. “I’m here. Who was trying to ask you something?”

Sirius looked straight into Remus’s eyes, terror filling his features. “I don’t--I don’t think--I don’t know how.” He began to breathe more heavily and he collapsed, placing his head in Remus’s lap. 

Remus stroked his hair and softly told him, “It’s okay. I promise, everything is as it should be. I’m here.” He waited out Sirius’s silence.

Finally, his breathing began to slow a little. “Do you think--it could be real?”

Remus breathed deeply. “I don’t know what you mean, Sirius. Who was asking you something?”

A long pause followed, during which Sirius’s eyes were squeezed tightly. “Regulus. Was he here? Did you see him? What--Did he--What do you think he needs?”

Remus shook his head slowly, staring at the brick wall opposite him. “It wasn’t Regulus, Sirius. Do you remember last year, when we visited his headstone? Regulus isn’t alive. He isn’t here. I’m sorry.” Sirius was so lost. “Do you remember, Regulus died last year. He was leaving Voldemort. He was being very brave. But he isn’t here, not today.”

Sirius was still shaking. “Why did I think that?”

Remus shrugged. “I don’t know, love. But it’s alright. Everything is alright.” Quietly, he suggested, “Why don’t we go back to the flat? I can make some tea, and we can go back to bed.”

“No, I can’t--I can’t go to sleep. Not if he’s trying to talk to me.”

“We don’t need to sleep if you don’t want to, then. We’ll just go and drink some tea, and get you warm. Okay?”

Remus, finally convincing Sirius it would be okay to go home, had to fairly carry the other man up the steps. Back in the flat, he laid Sirius in bed. “I’ll be right back with tea.”

When he returned, he set a steaming mug down on Sirius’s bedside table. Sirius was curled up, staring at the wall as though it would attack if he looked away. Remus climbed in next to him and wrapped his arms around Sirius, kissing his neck. “I’m here. We’re safe. I promise, everything is okay. You’re safe.”

Sirius took a shaky breath. After a few moments of silence, he pulled Remus’s arm tighter around him. “Thank you. Thank you. I love you. Thank you.”

Remus smiled, just a small one. “I love you, too. We’ll be okay.”

***

It was nearly five in the morning, and Remus was stuck between reading and dreaming on the sofa. His thoughts trudged around in circles in the dark of the flat, going nowhere helpful and leaving him feeling vaguely trapped. The door crashed open. Remus, invisible to anyone first entering the flat, said nothing and sank deeper into the sofa. 

“I can’t--you are the most  _ incredible _ \--hell, Marlene, I’m out of words and you  _ know _ that doesn’t happen.”

Marlene laughed from the hall. “You deserved it, you bastard. No one would have appreciated that the way you did.” There was a pause; Remus wondered if she had allowed Sirius to hug her. “I love you, Black.”

“Marlene goddamn McKinnon. I love you, too.” They both laughed; quieter, Sirius said, “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

“Go to sleep,” Marlene called as she left.

Sirius, still not seeing Remus, shut the door and continued speaking softly to himself. “Go to sleep, sleep, like I’m ever going to sleep again.” He laughed and it held so much wonder. 

There was something new swelling dangerously in their flat these days, festering and painful. Words had sharper edges, kisses had quicker ends, looks had harder meanings. And there was something new in Remus, too, or maybe something very old that had been hiding for years. Ever since he had begun these new missions for Dumbledore, the hard ones, he had been twitchy and afraid and irritable. And ashamed.

Sirius wheeled around and, singing under his breath, removed his coat and scarf. Remus felt sick for a moment before he spoke, but forged boldly on despite himself. “Well? Was he brilliant?”

Sirius jumped a little, but upon seeing Remus, his face broke out into an even broader grin. That cracked something inside Remus; he had been worried. He hadn’t seen that grin aimed at him in a week. Now, he returned it as best he could as Sirius took three long strides and slammed onto the sofa next to Remus. He placed his hands on Remus’s shoulders. “You--you knew, didn’t you?” He laughed breathlessly, leaned in and kissed him quickly. “You wanker. You knew. David goddamn Bowie. And why didn’t you come, too?”

Remus shrugged, unable to stop a smile from spreading. “Marlene only had the two tickets. And I knew you had to go.”

“ _ God.  _ Thank you, thank you. God. _ ”  _ He stood. He was a hummingbird tonight, a squirrel, something incapable of stillness. He offered Remus his hands. “Let’s take a walk.” His laugh was light and free.  _ “Let’s spend the night together,”  _ he sang, with a teasing smile that Remus couldn’t refuse.

This was better than he’d hoped. They had had a few days apart, seeming just out of sync with each other, and Remus worried it signified something worse. More permanent. This unexpected gift of an affectionate Sirius late at night came to Remus like rain in the desert. Only a fool would refuse.

So they walked. Remus, dead on his feet from unsleepable exhaustion, and Sirius, running circles around him, meandered around their neighborhood. “Tell me about the show,” Remus said with a smile, and Sirius obliged. They walked around London like they used to when they first moved there, when there weren’t enough hours in a night to say and do and see everything they wanted to. The sun began to creep up.

When Sirius finished describing the show, he slowed his pace and turned to look at Remus. “I wish you’d come, Moony.” It was said softly and it was true in a way that settled Remus’s anxious mind.

“I kind of do too, now,” he laughed. “Tell you what, the next time he comes round to London, you can take me on a date.”

“When’s the last time I took you on a proper date, anyway?” Sirius asked. Seized suddenly by his occasional need for precision, his voice sped as he tried to recall. “Well, we went to that pathetic little party a few weeks ago, but I’d hardly call that a date, not really, and let’s see, what was before that? I don’t think we can count Agatha’s, do you? That’s practically like eating at your mum’s.”

Remus interrupted. “We went to the museum and ate afterwards. That was lovely.”

“That was far too long ago, must be three months,” Sirius declared. “We are going out this week, dinner, perhaps, somewhere fancy. Somewhere we’ll feel a little guilty spending Order stipend on food but not guilty enough to not do it. Somewhere with really excellent wine.” 

When they first moved to London, fresh from the confines of Hogwarts, the city had felt boundless and theirs. Their relationship, too, had been young and green, and the war had seemed not so close as it did now. And so those early days had been laconic and lovely, and Sirius had been obsessed with taking Remus out, introducing him and the city and making sure they got on. This was something like that, Remus thought, as Sirius pondered aloud what restaurant might make a perfect date night.

They drifted home as the city woke up. Back on their street, they waved at Agatha through her shop window and called out to Hank where he sat across the street. Remus, practically dead on his feet, let Sirius take his hand and almost drag him up the narrow staircase to their flat. “Padfoot…” he yawned. “Sirius, thank you for the walk. Thank you.”

Sirius gave him an odd look as he unlocked the door and they stepped inside. “You’re welcome, but I’m not sure what for. Shall I make tea? Or do we want to try and sleep? I know I won’t.”

Remus tried to clear his mind a little, but it was pleasantly muddled by sleeplessness and infatuation. “Make me some tea.” He followed Sirius into the kitchen and wrapped his arms around him. “What I meant was, thank you for tonight. For things being okay.”

“Of course things are okay,” Sirius said, maybe too breezily. He smiled up at Remus. “I’d love to make you tea, but my abilities are rather compromised by your embrace, enjoyable as I find it.” 

Remus laughed. “Sorry, sorry.” He went to sit on the sofa while Sirius bustled in the kitchen. As soon as he was off his weary feet he began to drift off to sleep. They were okay, he thought, they would be okay. Sirius absently sang Bowie from the kitchen.  _ “Sometimes, you get so lonely...sometimes, you get nowhere…”  _ Remus smiled as his eyes fell shut; if he’d been more awake he would have sung rather than thought the next lyrics.  _ Please be mine, share my life...Stay with me…   _


End file.
